A Selfie at the Grand Canyon is just a picture of you. The Grand Canyon is HUGE, hence the name GRAND Canyon. But when you look at that selfie, you won’t see it. You’ll see you. To increase your charisma quotient, you need to sort by other. 

I find that lots of folks are “taking selfies” in many conversations. 

The NLP term is sorting by self. Sorting by self means that when someone speaks to you, your brain is not processing empathy for that person. Instead, it runs the information through a “how may this affect me” filter.

Another thing that happens when you sort by self is hijacking. Hijacking a conversation is when, in an attempt to relate to something you just said, I take the subject and make it entirely about my experience. You will hear this phrase on the leading edge of a self-sorter: For me, it’s like…

It’s great to relate.

It’s great to participate. Hijacking is neither of these. It is dominating. It’s a lack of understanding of the ebb and flow of a conversation. This rhythm is different in every conversation. Some folks take longer to get out all that they’d like to tell. Relating a similar experience often fits well in a good conversation, but jumping in too soon cuts off a shyer person. A self-sorter won’t even realize it’s happened. They’ll go blissfully on regaling that quiet person and believing that the conversation is going along swimmingly.

Sorting by others is a focus. It intends to listen well and to feel what is being said. When sorting by others, your interest is in what happened to them, and you’ll ask questions that convey empathy. As we establish rapport, there’s lots of room to exchange similar circumstances, but it begins with sorting by others.

Own Your Sales Gene…