#1162 Results or Rancor?

Dedicated to Bobby. A real “Jimmy”

I can have a conversation with Jimmy and it flows.  Jimmy listens, nods, smiles and laughs at the parts when I expect him to laugh.  His face gets serious, and he locks eyes with me when I tell him about my problems.  If we’re talking sports, he is animated, whether we agree with the play-calling, trade, or ref’s call or not  In other words, Jimmy and I have good conversations that just seem to flow.  There aren’t a lot of surprises, we both speak honestly and respectfully and listen to one another with attention.

Talking to Jimmy is like driving a luxury SUV on a straight highway in Iowa with cornfields on either side and no other cars in sight.  You could practically take your hands off the wheel and take a nap.  The road ahead is straight as an arrow with no distractions or unexpected turns. I am totally relaxed for the entire time.

I can’t have a conversation like that with Tony. Tony seems to thrive on contrariness. He’s never heard an opinion he can’t disagree with. In fact, he’s such a mis-matcher, he doesn’t even let me agree with him!  If he makes a point and I respond saying, “Right, I understand that’s difficult.” He says, “No.  You don’t get it. It’s worse.” Our conversations are herky-jerky affairs, riddled with interruptions and constant clarifications.  One of Tony’s special delights is telling me bad things other folks have said about me. He couches the comments as though he is my tacit ally in a world of double agents looking to take me down.

If talking with Jimmy is a smooth straight road in a comfortable vehicle, talking with Tony is sportscar on the Amalfi coast – at night – in the rain – after a bottle of chianti.

I find myself peering over the wheel trying to see which way the road will turn inevitably being fooled and suffering near whiplash as I slam on the brakes and skid into another hairpin turn. There is no relaxing in a Tony conversation. I feel like I should be mirandized ahead of time as anything I say may be used against me (out of context) at any time.

I call Jimmy on a regular basis. I usually hit the text response when Tony calls, messaging, “Sorry I can’t speak right now.”

I have other Jimmy’s and Tony’s in my life who converse using similar patterns to greater and lesser degrees than the stark Yin and Yang of these two and notice my energy during these encounters. The Jimmys help me relax. I don’t have to try to make it work. The Tonys require vigilance over every word before I utter them and, depending on how extreme they are, exhaust me.

I have Tonys who bring great value though it is more work to find the gold nuggets among the rocks.

My actual Tony presents a degree of difficulty that weighs too much to balance his value on the other side of the scale and I am extricating myself from him bit by bit. (We have a lot of history and It’s too complicated to just cut it off.)

Tony and Jimmy represent two styles of communications NLP labels as Matchers and Mis-matchers. Matchers like Jimmy and me, find conversations with other matchers facile. The Tonys of the world find conversations with us trying.

 Few mis-matchers are as extreme as Tony. Most are just creative thinkers looking to put their spin on what you are presenting. They like to look at things with an eye to improve them. They aren’t trying to be disagreeable; they just see changes and improvements they think they should mention. Recognizing a mis-matcher can help to make conversation flow more smoothly.  I still need to pay attention but now I’m driving the coast on a sunny day stone-cold sober. The curves and hairpin turns are still there but I see them clearly and kind of enjoy them knowing the wheel is in my hand and my Maserati was built for this and it’s responsive.

I change the way I speak when dealing with mis-matchers but only slightly. I lead with some negative language, and hold back solutions until I can lead them there with me.

“Isn’t that dishonest Frank?  Aren’t you being manipulative?  I don’t do that.  I just speak my truth, and people can take it or leave it.”

I don’t feel dishonest changing my language any more for a mis-matcher than I do saying Ciao, when I encounter someone in driving in Amalfi.

This idea of speaking one’s truth is particularly entertaining for me. I see people misread situations and other people all the time while  speaking their truth. I watch deals fall apart and teams get decimated as people refuse to adapt because they “shouldn’t have to.” After all, they’re “just being honest.” Nope.  Sorry. You’re not honest, you’re tone deaf, and your results usually suck.

Matching is not to be equated with being Pollyanna. I get mad when I believe anger is justified and I can disagree and argue with the best of them – BUT- I pay attention to my words, tone and body posture to move forward without leaving bodies in my wake.  I’ve tried to refine my listening skills over time to be the grease that allows the gears to turn smoothly and optimally. I admit that it is easier to bark my truth and I see folks in positions of authority from parents, to teachers, to cops and bosses  do this to their detriment. It is certainly easier, but it isn’t better. It’s easier to hit the drive through for greasy, calorie laden fast food too but your arteries will have a better outcome if you’re less lazy about your meals.  It’s the same thing with conversations. Be strategic.  Think before you speak.  Listen more than you talk and take into consideration the map of the world the other person lives in and learn a little about it. Do your best to make a point or get a result that leaves people whole and happy.

There are Tonys and Jimmys at either end of the spectrum with every pantone shade in between.  I think it’s wise to learn the gradations and adjust my own palate rather than trying to paint everything with the same brush.