#1151 If you don't have anything nice to say...

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I can still hear my Mom's voice offering that admonishment anytime I said anything bad about anyone. We all know this proverb, but what about its opposite? "If you have something nice to say, say it!"

There is a lot of interesting science about this.  In studies out of Yale, groups were surveyed to ask if they thought offering a compliment to a stranger would be well received.  Overwhelmingly, they felt it would not.

Next, groups were assigned to go out into the world and offer small talk and a compliment to a stranger. They were surveyed afterward, overwhelmingly, they felt the compliments were well received and that the complimented person walked away smiling. In addition, the survey revealed that the compliment deliverers felt a better overall sense of well-being. This win-win is available to each of us every day. So why do we have this disconnect between what we think will make us happy and what makes us happy? It's a human condition referred to as negativity bias.

I have a tough time with negativity bias.  I know it is hardwired in human beings.  It's left over from our cavepeople ancestors who had to assume someone was bad - until they proved good -  or possibly lose their lives. This still serves me well when I get on the subway in Manhattan, but I certainly don't need it at the local farmers' market or Walgreens!

We've evolved!  Our knuckles don't drag on the ground; we don't carry clubs, and we cook our food before eating it. So why do we retain this old programming? Forgive me, but I believe it is a matter of choice. I think we don't think often enough about these kinds of things and just sort of go through life running the same mental programs we've run before. I'm an evangelist for self-reflection and social change. I despise the ubiquity of screens to watch rather than people. I resent the inane droning of HGTV or whatever is interrupting my thoughts as I sit in EVERY waiting room on the planet! I hate seeing little kids at restaurants with screens in their hands. I am viscerally bothered by the walls our devices build between us at the airport, on the train, or in line at the supermarket - and sometimes I'm guilty of it, too!

I have a hard and fast rule to never be on a phone call when I approach the counter at any business, and I have been making a conscious effort to keep the phone in my pocket when I'm out in public. I want to wait online and be free to gaze about or chat with the person in front of me. I want to be in the world, not in my own world.

I am pro-technology.  I don't long for the days when I had to page through the Encyclopedia Britannica to get information or unfold a map (and never fold it right again) to find my way around. I love the advancements that save lives and give me tremendous convenience.  I also want to connect with other humans.  Vivek Murphy, our surgeon general, recently said that loneliness is an epidemic in our country and is as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day! I recently saw an ad in NYC for Grub Hub or DoorDash that said, "There are 8 million people in this city, and we want to help you avoid every one of them."  UGH.

Please join me in my quest to make the path I walk a bit more inclusive.  Believe the science.  Most of the time, the stranger next to you wants a little small talk, and the counter person would love a compliment. And, BTW, if you are one of those people reading this that thinks. "Not me.  I don't want a stranger to chat me up."  You're wrong.  Again, in huge numbers, people surveyed overwhelmingly said they'd rather not be approached by a stranger and then in equally large numbers were thrilled when they were.  Our minds lie to us. I may not feel like getting a workout, but 90% of the time, when I go anyway, I feel good about it. It's like that with Aunt Millie's birthday party, the bar mitzvah you must attend that's a two-hour drive away, and the person next to you on Amtrack. We may not want to engage in any of them beforehand, but a huge percentage of the time, we're glad we did afterward.

Let's make a conscious effort. If not for ourselves, let's do it for the folks we encounter who may be as lonely and at risk as SG Murphy says they are.